I'll be there for you (until) the rain starts to pour

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I got this request last month from a member of the Foolproof community: Would love to hear your thoughts sometime about genuine, supportive relationship-building in industries that tend to be transactional (or if not transactional, fleeting), like politics! Building a community can be hard.

I feel that. Even if you don’t work in an industry where relationships can feel transactional, building community can be difficult. According to the New York Times, at any moment, one out of every two Americans is experiencing “measurable levels of loneliness.” So much so that in April of this year the U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy wrote an op-ed on the nation’s loneliness (linked below as this week’s recommended read).

In a place like Washington, D.C., where I live, it can feel like relationships are built on the premise of, “What can this person do for me?” This is especially true in politics and media. I know those people because, I hate to admit, I was that person. The first few months out of college, I found myself in a really gross spiral that limited who I spent time with mostly to who could advance my career. It was lonely and, honestly, incredibly lame.

But those “friends” quickly weeded themselves out because I didn’t feel like investing valuable time in people who didn’t care about me as a person - or frankly who I didn’t vibe with. I started finding people I just genuinely liked.

On the advice of my therapist a year or so ago (Dr. A strikes again), I made my relationships with my friends and family the priority. When I left my job, I had the option to leave D.C., which I thought I wanted to do for so long. But I decided to stay because of the community I’ve built.

I’ve found my people: the kind who drop everything to bring me sweatpants to the bar when my pants rip on a date (that’s not a hypothetical situation, it literally happened last week lol), who keep my spare keys at their place, who sleep on my couch after a bad breakup so I don’t have to be alone…the list goes on.

If you’re looking to make new friends, I don’t know if I can give better advice than “feel out vibes.” I’d say suss out one or two people who you like hanging out with at work, school or a friend of one of your friends and ask them to drinks or coffee.

If you’re asking about building non-transactional relationships with people already in your network, I think vulnerability is key. I found that talking about things just below the surface works. Don’t go too deep too fast — that might be uncomfy — but share something going on in your life and let the relationship grow naturally. I met one of my best friends by sending her an email asking for career advice. I don’t even know if she remembers this, but one day early on the campaign trail covering Biden, we were waiting for our luggage at the airport in San Francisco. She turned to me and shared she was going through a breakup. So simple, yet I immediately was like, 'oh cool I can share stuff with this girl.’ And trust me, I have lol. Not much goes on in my life that she doesn’t know about.

Seek out quality, not quantity. No one needs 98 friends. Especially as you get older, it’s impossible to keep depth with people as things get busy. Your friends don’t all have to be friends with each other, either. A lot of mine aren’t! (Though they’ve met each other now that I’ve forced them all together for years around my birthday and other occasions lol.)

Have any ideas about what you’d like me to write about? Do you have any tips for making friends as an adult? You can find me on IG or just reply to this email. Or if you have any other questions or topic suggestions, send those, too. Getting your emails is still my favorite part of the week, so please keep them coming 🙂 

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