I envy you

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Envy is societally frowned upon, shameful to admit and one of the seven deadly sins. But since we’ve all been guilty at one point or another, I figure we should talk about it.

The first time I can remember feeling envy was in pre-school. This girl (her name was possibly Kelly?) sprained her ankle, so she was jumping around on one foot. She got lots of attention and an extra cookie at snack time, so I also started to jump around on one foot. Well, Possibly Kelly didn’t love that, and she tattled on me. (Given I don’t know her name, you’ve probably deduced that our friendship did not survive her egregious act of betrayal.)

Anyway, I didn’t learn my lesson because that certainly wasn’t the last time I felt envy. (Quick note: the reason I’m using the word “envy” instead of “jealousy” is because the technical definition of jealousy has a third party involved and it has a possessive component (think, romantic relationships). IRL I use them pretty interchangeably.)

And I know for certain that I’m not the only one. Women especially tend to get feelings of envy because we’ve especially been conditioned to believe there’s only room for some of us to experience success (in our professional or personal life). We logically know that it isn’t a zero-sum game, so where does the envy come from?

According to experts, including these PhDs, it’s evolutionary. It’s a trait that used to regulate society. “In the hunting-gathering bands of our ancestors, envy helped to maintain social stability, cooperation, and equality.” Basically, if your neighbor found a bushel of berries, you’d be like, “oh, I want a bushel of berries, too.” It’d help you survive.

The thing is, we don’t need to feel envious anymore in order to survive so instead it’s just kinda icky and miserable. I learned this from a podcast not too long ago, and it changed my perspective on envy. It’s a feeling that is impossible to ignore, so pushing it away is only going to build resentment.

If I get that feeling (for me it almost feels like a pit in my stomach), I stop and name it. “Oh, I’m envious. I wish I had [insert whatever it is that person has].” I’ve learned that once I allowed myself permission and grace to be a human, I was able to move past it more quickly. That, along with learning how to be confident in my values, diminished how often I even have that feeling.

I don’t think I would’ve called myself a “girl’s girl” in high school because I was fiercely competitive. But remembering that we all have different journeys and different reasons for being here helped me so much. It’s not a zero-sum game.

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