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- I'm happier in Holland
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I’m not going to win a Nobel Prize for suggesting that oftentimes, life doesn’t go the way we’d hoped it would. When I left my last reporting job, I’d turned down an offer I was given because it didn’t feel right and because I’d been verbally promised a position elsewhere that I wanted way more. I didn’t end up getting that second job, and I felt hurt and maybe even a little embarrassed. It’s not like I could go crawling back to the first people saying, “Uhm hey…so, I guess you’re good enough for me now.”
(Hindsight gives us the benefit of knowing this was a pivotal moment because it was the first step in my finally mustering up the courage to leave political reporting.) But I wasn’t there yet at that point.
So back to the past. Not too long after that perceived fumble, I read what has now become my favorite book: “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. In it, the author shares a poem that altered my brain chemistry.
It was written in 1987 by a woman whose child had been born with a disability. And while it is written from that perspective, the lesson is also applicable broadly to rolling with life’s punches. I’ll share the whole thing here (thereby technically breaking my 500-word promise; but since these aren’t my words, I don’t think it counts). Read it first, and I’ll meet you on the other side with my final thoughts.
Welcome to Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.
It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved.
I was allowed to mourn that loss of what could have been, but I was also given the opportunity to explore a different world. I’m buying new guidebooks, and I’m learning a different language, so to speak.
The takeaway here is that perspective makes all the difference. I needed practice with that, so I started writing down three things I was grateful for each morning. I did it for so long that it’s now become a natural habit etched in my brain to notice the small things (seriously). I’m happier now for many reasons, but I think that the effort I put into practicing being grateful is probably the most important one.
Here’s a podcast episode I listened to this week and liked:
Oversharing by Betches Media: “How to Deliver a Genuine Apology”
I’m a big fan of this podcast in general. It’s hosted by one of the co-founders of Betches, Jordana Abraham, and her older sister, Dr. Naomi Bernstein, and listening to it feels like you’re at brunch with your best friend & your therapist.
Do you have a gratitude practice? Did this poem resonate with you like it did for me? You can find me on IG here. I love chatting in the DM’s, and it’d be awesome if you could let me know what you thought of this week’s newsletter, or maybe you have a good quote or piece of advice you want to share with everyone. Sky’s the limit!
“You never can tell whether bad luck may not after all turn out to be good luck.”